My 7 days of “play” with a guy who wasn’t my man (and what I learned)

Today I want to take a few moments to share with you a story that I think will both encourage you to be adventurous and inspire you to take a stand for your desires, when you begin to feel like you are “too much” or want too much in a relationship.

I stayed with someone recently who was not my boyfriend 🙂

When he invited me to stay with him, and I said, “yes,” it wasn’t something I have ever done outside of a committed relationship before. But it felt fun, exciting…and yep, totally scary!

I arrived at the airport, so jazzed for a 7 day journey into what we both agreed would be “play.”

There was plenty of play. And laughter. And sweetness.

jess-in-restaurant

Photo above: He took this pic of me our first night…waiting for our most delicious mac & cheese! And fun fact: That chef in the photo apparently won on the show “Chopped!”

And then the scary part showed up. The triggers…oh the triggers.

There was a moment a few days in where I noticed that he hadn’t commented letting me know that he was enjoying me, or even our time together.

So…I mustered up my guts to practice what I preach and speak up about what was swirling around and feeling icky in my heart.

“I’m noticing that you haven’t acknowledged or complemented me,” I nervously shared. “And it doesn’t feel good. I feel sad. I don’t need to be complimented, but it’s just really nice to hear if you like something about me.”

“I can sense that you want to be complimented, so it makes me not want to compliment you,” he said.

Wow…I was shocked. I had never heard such words before. My heart deflated. And the fearful questions began to arise:

Am I really that needy?
Is this my little girl that is wanting attention?
Does my ego long to feel special?

I had to get real with myself.

Needy? Nope. This I was clear about. I’m independent. Own my emotions. Process my feelings. If I was needy I would have had to have his approval in order to enjoy myself. But I actually was having a really great time…and was even the main one lightening up our time together with goofiness and play.

My little girl wounds? Perhaps. I’m the oldest child. And I’m well aware that when my amazing bro came into the world, I began doing certain things that got me attention. Good grades. People pleaser. Give, give, give. These actions translated into attention and love.

My ego? Hmm. This one is tricky. I admit that I do like to feel special. I like to feel like I’m unlike anyone else. Which is true, but it’s also untrue. I am my own unique woman with thoughts and feelings, and yet, I’m not separate from humanity. We are ALL “bozos on the bus” as peace activist Wavy Gravy said. But where do we draw the line between our sameness and our unique desires that just so happen to enhance our feeling of specialness or importance?

When I posed these questions in Lissa Rankin’s Relationships on the Spiritual Path course group (which I am currently enrolled in), Lissa herself responded with a question for me:

“Are you acknowledging and appreciating yourself? Or are you in some way selling out what your heart yearns for because you think you should be more free or more playful or less needy?”

Ah, yes. This felt like truth.

The only reason I was grasping is because I was literally on empty. It was the siren of my heart blazing the alarm to tell me what my heart yearns for was not being met. There was give, but no receive. And I was so thirsty.

siren-of-your-heart

This longing reminded me that the #1 way that I want to FEEL in relationship is adored.

And my longing wasn’t my ego. Sure, I can go into neediness and wanting to feel “special” sometimes, but this felt more like a abrupt reminder that I deserve to receive as much as I give.

And I give big.

I used to judge this part of me. Why can’t I just hold back? Wait a while to open my heart. Slowly turn on the faucet of love.

But here’s the thing…it’s just not the way my love water flows.

The depth of my very being is as deep as the ocean is wide. It’s a powerful stream of endless love. And if I hold it back…baby, my pipes will burst. And that just ain’t pretty.

So…I’m embracing this desire to be adored. To be peppered with kisses and compliments. To be told how much my cuddles mean. How lovely my body feels. And how fantastic I am.

I don’t need this. I desire it.

So, do I regret going to stay with this guy? Hell no. I actually adore him even more now. I appreciate him.

Even though our time together had moments of discomfort and triggers, it was overall very sweet. I vowed to myself that I would love him “as if” during our time together – meaning, love him as if he was my man. And I followed through on my promise to myself. And you know what? It felt really good to remind myself of my own capacity to love. And my desire to be loved equally as much back.

So…here’s the lesson for us all who are on the journey towards receiving the love we deserve:

If you give big, don’t hold back. Give with all your heart. Give right away.

*Pause*

Have they given back? Are they returning the love and adoration?

Yes? Keep giving!
No? How are you feeling? Full? Empty?

Remind yourself that it is 100% okay to want what you want. And if it no longer feels good to give, because you aren’t receiving, honor your heart, your desires and move on to someone who will hold out their hands to receive your flow of endless love, and offer you a drink of the adoration back in return.

Ahhh….Thirst. Quenched.

Now it’s your turn…

What is one desire in relationship that your heart yearns for and might be seen as “needy?”

Give yourself permission to claim it and comment below! 🙂

To Your Radiance,

Jess

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