What my shitty year taught me about letting go (and allowing love)

“Jess, I had no idea how rough life has been for you lately…”

This has been the general statement from soul sisters that I’ve been reconnecting with after moving from Las Vegas to Santa Cruz, CA.

And they are right…while my life is filled with SO much love – from deepening relationships with my family, to the gorgeous secret garden-esque 10 acre property I live on, to new instal-soul-sisters in The Bay area, to even reconnecting with a few ex-boyfriends to heal some lingering wounds – even with all this love, life has been tough.

The flood that completely destroyed my condo and left me and my two dogs without our home for 3 months.

Trusting the sign that God said “get the F out of Vegas” and following the path to Santa Cruz.

Letting my dogs go. They told me it was time. But still…I have moments where I long to cuddle them. To smell their fur. To look into their unconditionally loving eyes.

Mourning what feels like the life I built there. 10 years in Vegas. Missing the sisters in my 4-year women’s group. The feminine strength of the women who caught me when I fell. I miss that comfort.

Then there’s the death of my best friend. Witnessing her last breath. Watching love become her, and death transform her. Wishing I could open my phone and text her: “Hey boo.” Because that’s what we used to do.

Okay, it’s been hell. Truly. And I’ve been hiding the pain.

I’ve been desperately longing for my previous life…terrified of the present and future. It’s all felt like just. so. much.

Perhaps you’ve also been wanting things to be like they were at a previous time in your own life? Pre-heartbreak? Pre-election? Pre-breakdown?

Somewhere in between all of this beautiful breakdown a message of truth arose one night, as I lay awake watching the clock tick 1:01am in the guest bedroom of my parents’ house…

Longing for my former life, the phenomenal life I had, was actually me saying to myself and the Universe that it DOESN’T get better than what I had. 

Longing for what WAS, crowds out the space to allow what IS to emerge.

It’s the same when a relationship ends.

Even when it feels like you had the “best,” there is always another layer of greatness. A flower waiting to open that you never knew existed. The sweet smell of new nectar from a partner who adores you. A life and love beyond your wildest dreams.

When I finally got this, I started to feel so much gratitude for my current love-filled life and even though I’m still in the pain of my current reality, I can feel a glimpse of hope for the future. Love waiting to bloom. Because…it has before. And it will again.

How can you feel gratitude for your life now?

What can you get excited about for the future?

And what proof can you uncover from your past that shows that you will have this and more again?

Share in the comments below 🙂

Let go of your longing darling, and begin trusting that yes, you can have even more of your desires fulfilled.

Here’s to letting go of what was, loving what is and beginning to dream into love beyond your wildest dreams – a bigger, better, more meaningful love in 2017.

To Your Radiance,

Love it? Like it? Share it! Thanks so much!

Leave a comment